So leaving Isaac is really taking a toll on me. What is happening to me started in Liberia when Isaac was sleeping at the orphanage. I woke up in the middle of the night and wondered around my room @ the guest house looking for him, for a few good minutes before I remembered that he wasn’t sleeping there that night, but was in fact at the orphanage. This happened 5 times in one night.
Well I woke up this morning at 3:30 AM which felt like my 10:30 AM (freakin jet lag is killing me), and have been up since, well I knew if I was going to make it through dinner tonight, I needed a nap. So I crashed around 4:30 PM after sleeping for about and hour, I woke up and freaked out when Isaac wasn’t here. I ran though my house yelling his name, thinking he had wondered off while I was napping. It took me a good minute before I realized that he wasn't here. I just sat down on the floor and cried.
I’ve been so strong since leaving him. I thought I was doing fine until this. I feel like part of me is always missing. I feel so alone and incomplete without him. I wake up feeling lost, like he's lost and alone.
God I miss him!
7 comments:
Jocelyn,
I am so sorry you are going through this....It has got to be so hard to know your son and not have him with you. But, the truth is, now you know your son and you know what you have to do to get ready for his homecoming. You will have time to get his room ready, buy him some clothes and toys, talk to the Dr. about his treatment when he gets home, put together a photo album or scrapbook about your time in Liberia to keep for him later, prepare your friends and family for how your life will be different once Isaac is home, put together a support network for once Isaac is home (and ask people if they will be willing to pitch in when/if you need help with particular things), and get yourself prepared for motherhood. So, even though Isaac isn't home yet, you will have plenty of things to keep yourself busy! I know it probably doesn't help to hear it - you just want Isaac to have come home with you!
I'm thinking of you...
Chanda
Oh my gosh. I knew this was going to be really hard on you, but I never expected it to be like this. It's like with a newborn baby, when you wake up in the middle of the night and search frantically through the covers, only to find him safe in his crib. But for you, he's all the way in Liberia.
I'm amazed at what a bond you have with him so quickly, to feel so empty without him.
Try not to worry about Isaac. I'm sure he's doing better than you are. That's one tough cookie you've got there. And he trusts you that you're coming back for him.
I am so impressed with you. You have such a great ability to mother.
I will continue to pray for a speedy process and that you will be able to get back to some sense of normalcy.
You're a Mama now.... You are experiencing exactly what I have done with each of my three bio children's births. You're sleeping because your'e sleep deprived, then you're dreaming about them, maybe not even realizing it, and you wake up freaking out, looking for them! THat's the things Moms do. Congratulations- you're a Mama.(Just this morning I woke up feeling unsettled after having a dream. Kate (my littlest one) was in part of it, and I couldn't find her).
You are physically exhausted, and emotionally exhausted. Much like coming home after a hospital birth. Your mind can play weird tricks on you when you're tired, and emotionally drained. Part of your heart is in Liberia. It will be joined back together this summer! Remember, praying for a one month miracle!As Isaac says..."we ok?" Love, Denise
Jocelyn,
I would sure love to get to travel with you when we go to Liberia!!! I continue to be sooo thankful for all of your posts, and the WEALTH of info you have shared with all of us! You have given us a wonderful gift. We haven't heard any news on Micah in quite a while, but it would sure be cool if we got the chance to travel with you!!! Oh, how I would love that. I'm praying for you,
Jamie (in Oregon)
Hi Jocelyn,
I've been on vacation and away from my computer for a week. I missed your blog so much, it was the first place that I went to once I logged on tonight. I haven't even unpacked yet.
I started reading where I had left off before we left on our trip and read each blog post in order. I have been literally sobbing out loud and my husband couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. : )
I don't have any words of advice for dealing with your sadness, but I promise that I will pray that both you and Isaac will have peace and that your time apart will fly by.
I just wanted to agree with Jaime and say what a gift your blog has been to all of us. It has been so wonderful to be allowed to be a part of your adventure and it has endeared you and Isaac to all of us. You and your son are so loved by all of us readers, and we will be covering you in prayer.
Love,
Becky Avella
sorry Jamie, I spelled your name wrong in my last comment. typo : )
I've been thinking, praying and crying for you today! I pray He'll hold you close till you can hold him again!
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