I've had friends who have gone through tough times tell me that they could feel the prayers of those that were hitting their knees on behalf of them and their family. But I can't feel it. In fact the energy that I was living on and the expectations I had going into this have been blown to hell. I'm sorry if this offends, but it's the reality.
I've been told by Isaac's PT/OT that he will walk out of the hospital. That they have set high goals for him because they know he can reach them, but I have witnessed Isaac slip into this dark hole, and I can't get him out of it. He's making huge progress physically everyday. He gets better and better physically everyday, but mentally he isn't my Isaac anymore.
One of the nurses that I love said that kids "break" here. It gets really bad before you even see a hint of it getting better. My dancing, snowboarding, hugging, loving, joking, cuddling, son lays in bed or sits in his wheel chair emotionless and void. He hits his left leg when he can't get it to move and says things to me like "I won't ever walk again, my legs are broken."
What kind of mother am I that I can't reach into that darkness and pull him out. I tell him he's strong and powerful, and that he has courage overflowing and that he WILL walk again and he just looks at me void, nothing registering in his mind.
I'm starting to see that there is no greater pain than to be a mother and watch your child suffer and know there is nothing you can do but wait and pray. I have always been a deeply faith driven person. I believe in the impossible, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God won't let me down. And yet in my life when things are going great and there isn't a care in the world, I feel him right there with me walking with me, and yet now I'm going through it, and I feel completely alone.
28 comments:
I can only imagine how hard this has been. I wish I had some great words of wisdom telling you it will be all ok....
All I can do is say is that there are good thoughts and prayers coming to you from afar.
Jocelyn,
Thanks for your transparent post...praying for the Lord to sustain , comfort and meet you in a significant way. Praying also that this ordeal with push Isaac into the arms of the Savior...that his heart will be made whole while his 'broken' body is healing.
Praying for you!!
kathi
Hi,
I've been following your blog for a while now - came to it from a link from a link from a link... - and even though I'm pretty strictly a lurker and not a commenter, I thought I'd leave a note today.
Even though my surgeries were NOWHERE near what Isaac went through, I can tell you that going from a person who is active and almost always outdoors to being bedridden has a way of robbing you of your identity. I felt like I lost *who I was* and had to grieve that loss. And that was an adult who can process these kinds of emotions, and even then it took a while to recognize it as grief - I imagine his frustration is that much more intensified. He seems to be a fighter though with a strong spirit - no doubt it's still there, just maybe withdrawn a bit internally where it's safe and he feels like he has some control. He's already had losses in his life and has obviously overcome them to have the sparkle in his eyes that he has...and that tells me that he has his way of dealing with adversity and find his way through this.
Sometimes I think it was harder on the people around me to watch the pain I was in because they were helpless...but know that having you there brings him comfort amid the loss.
Three years later I have enough distance to look back and see the silver lining to my accident - it slowed me down and even though I'd have been happy to continue leading the life I was living, my path changed and became more meaningful. Without that episode, I probably wouldn't be sitting here getting a room ready for the son I'm adopting next month. :) I never would have guessed what was in store at the time!
Wishing you peace and courage...
I am so sorry that you are feeling alone- truly. You and Issac have captured the hearts of so many- including ours. I have commented once or twice but you are a daily read and we feel priveleged to have you share your heart with us and whoever else stops by your blog.
I don't have any words of wisdom either as you are far braver than me. Just know that even though you can't feel the prayers, we are indeed praying- praying for the Lord to meet you as well.
Rebecca and family
Jocelyn,
You've probably heard this before - being a mother is the hardest job you'll ever have. You can't always fix things for your child no matter how much you want to or how much is hurts to see them hurting. I've personally watch two of may daughters slip into depression when puberty hit. It sounds to me that Isaac is feeling some depression. Talk with the Pros for both you and him. Keep praying and we will too!
Carey
I'm going through a very difficult time in my life right now--I know what you mean when you say you look into Isaac's face/eyes and see a void. My face has been that void lately.
I have come to know and believe that God IS near us even when we don't feel him. Psalm 16 has recently been an encouragement to me--vs. 9b-10a says "My flesh also shall rest in hope. For thou wilt not leave my soul in hell." There absolutely ARE dark times and places, BUT our Heavenly Father does not leave us there. He rescues us in his perfect timing.
I will pray that God will lighten your darkness--I know HE will rescue you and your son.
Jocelyn,
I too have been lurker witnessing your journey from afar. I have written you a lengthy letter which I hope you will read. Rather than saying alot here, I will simply direct you to the post on my blog. My prayers are with you.
Lisa
Jocelyn,
I got here from Lisa at Brass and Ivory, and after reading her post and then yours, I picked up pen to paper and wrote Isaac a short letter. Expect it in the mail in the next week.
Isaac is a beautiful little boy and very lucky to have such a great mom in you.
I'll be thinking of you and Isaac...
S.
Jocelyn,
When going through some very dark moments in my life, I could not feel God’s presence and felt as though God had abandoned me. My only comfort was in knowing that He is faithful and if there was one thing I could lean on, it was on His promises. I mentally clung to Him though He seemed so far away, and the more I laid it all at His feet and acknowledged how weak I was and that I could not face it without Him, the more I felt His presence.
My heart aches for both you and Isaac. It is extremely frightening for a child to think that they might not be able to walk again—for a seven year old, it is hard to conceptualize walking again in a few weeks when they can’t do it now. It would actually be more of a concern if he was his happy self, when he is faced with something so frightening. Please talk to him and acknowledge his fears—it feels awful when one is feeling down and everyone is telling you that all will be well. Sometimes all one needs is to feel that their feelings are acknowledged and validated, before they can move on to begin the recovery process. I cannot even begin to image how you must feel when all you want is to make everything all right for your baby.
Please continue to lean on His promises. It is during our darkest hour that our faith is tested and refined. Both you and Isaac are in my daily prayers.
I thought of this as I read your post.
Footprints
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.
This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.
The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
Remember that faith is believe what you can't see or feel. God has not left you. He never will. Hold to the truth of His word. Footprints
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.
This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.
The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
Remember: Faith is believing what can't be seen or felt. He hasn't left you. He never will. Hold on. Many of God's children (all of us) go through this time of feeling alone. I don't understand it, but it happens. Hold on to Him. Hold on to your Faith.
Praying for you friend.
sorry it posted twice!! Oops!
We think about and pray for you daily. It's hard to see the end of this journey now, but you will surely reap the rewards of your struggles. You are both amazingly strong people and this is a time for him to lean on you. I will pray that it will increase his trust and security, knowing that his Mom was here through the worst time in his life, and didn't waver in her support.
Kristy
Jocelyn,
I wish I were magic. Then I would make everything better NOW. Maybe you and Isaac wouldn't learn as much as you would by going through the process, but I'd feel better and you and Isaac would too. As much as I wish I could take this all away, I can't. Just keep being there for Isaac - you need each other. He'll get better every day, with some likely temporary setbacks. All I can say is don't give up hope. If you won't give up on Isaac, it will at least be harder for him to give up on himself.
Sharon
I'm sure no one in their right mind would ever think that your'e complaining.
I think that no matter how strong, or upbeat a person is, there are things that are always going to make life tough, and maybe kick you down a bit. But from what I've read on your blog, you'll keep fighting. Even if you don't feel strong every single day, you'll get there - and so will Isaac.
It must be very difficult for him, at this point, to recognise that it's GOING to get better, that he will walk, that it will stop hurting. But he'll get there.
And so will you.
Keep praying, keep believing - and we'll keep praying and believing for you, over here in New Zealand.
-Jacey
Jocelyn,
I want to tell you that I admire you so much. I found your blog through another blog. Your title cought my attention. I then went back and read through your whole journey. I tell everyone about you and how I pray God gives you blessing beyond what you can receive. To be your age and have the love and desire to care for a child who has heath issues is beyond my imagination. Girl I pray for you and your boy daily. I also Live in PA and hope one day I can meet you and your son. You need to know that God loves you and is using you and your testimony to bless others around the world. Also remember "This Too Shall Pass."
Miranda
miryum06@yahoo.com
Jocelyn,
I will have Marie call Isaac soon :)
Maybe a friends voice will cheer him. Praying for you both.
Remember that God IS good all the time. That's who He is. It's hard when you're in that valley of helplessness/pain. He is there too.
Teresa
J -
In child labor, when the pain is bad, we women go INTO ourselves to cope - and it is difficult, and almost impossible to have any comprehension of what is going on outside of us. Maybe that is what is going on with Isaac. It will just take time. Please don't worry - people are praying for you and Isaac - even when you don't FEEL it, and even when you don't have the energy to pray yourself. It just takes time.
Just because you feel alone, does not mean you are. What makes you think yo u should be void of doubt and suffering. Who and I mean WHO promised that it would be easy. Remember WHO you have faith in Jocelyn. Maybe Isaac will not be the same but who are you to chose who your son will be.
Love him where is right not, and remember that the Lord you follow asks you to go to Him. His yoke is light and the cross is real.
Not to be preachy or real try to make you feel better but pointing your focus on Jesus.
I love you and you will see glorious things.
Uncle Frank
Wow Jocelyn,
I hope you know that what Isaac is going through is totally normal. He is probably feeling pretty depressed and confused right now. I cannot even imagine what you are going through, and it is easy to become disillusioned, that is for sure.
The Lord is with you. Just cry out to Him for this pit, and He will lift you up. He is close to the broken-hearted, even though we may not "feel" His presence at times. By faith, He is truly closer to you.
May the joy of your salvation bring you through this time. Just pray and anoint Isaac with oil as he sleeps. He will come back to himself, I am sure.
Love,
Tina
Hon, everything I was going to say, Uncle Frank has already said. And, it's said because you are loved, and it's true. RUN to the one who is waiting to hold you tight. You can't do this by yourself. You are not alone. He, the one who created Isaac and knit him together, is there. Love you much, Denise
Oh honey, that picture says it all. I am so sorry :( Lifting you both up in prayer. Praying you would feel the the Lord in a very real way. Praying Issac would be strengthened in his faith.
Joycelyn,(a family name of mine)
The onl time in my life that I've felt that dark hole was when I had to be hospitalized after surgery--I was 33, so I can imagine how dark it feels for a child, but he will recover and remind yoursself that your son will be a stronger man after this experience. My prayers and card are on the way. Seattle has recently made great strides in spinal cord repair; your son will walk proud one day soon. Best of all you are together. You may not feel the power of prayer right now, but you will. Let Isaac know many other children feel just like he does, neither he nor you are alone. I will link to your blog also.
Jocelyn,
My girls and I would like to send Isaac a care package. Before we do so, does he have any allergies that you know of?
Hugs and Prayers to you and Isaac.
Stacie
I was teary reading this, as it brought back memories of my son in the hospital after he was home from Haiti.
I wrote a song that my husband plays now, and I think it really suits Issac... here is a link to the lyrics, and you can listen to a rough recording. The chorus is "you don't need a cape to be a hero".... and you and Isaac are both heroes here... I hope you know that.
Superman song
OK, know what Iveta (the better half of Uncle Frank for all you blog stalkers)said today? My commentary added....
Can you just imagine how much our God - yes the actual creator of the universe, the maker of ALL things - must love that little boy Isaac to bring his scrawny little 33 pound 7 year old deformed body to the most blessed nation on earth with a single young woman from nowheresville, PA - to have him made better and whole in one of the finest hospitals in Ameria? He didn't do it for nothing. He didn't do it just because he's nice. He's got some good stuff planned for that fine little boy from Jacobtown.
Don't let him forget that!! Iveta and I cried when we discussed it - HE loves Isaac THAT much!
GMom
I am praying for you both! I am pretty sure that laughing, smily, energetic, life loving kid is still there. He has been through a lot and it is going to take some time for him to find his way back. hang on!
love, Lynn in Doha ( been reading your blog for a while now)
Jocelyn,
I've been a lurker for quite sometime. I decided to come out of the shadows and leave you a comment. You're a HUGE inspiration to me. Im a 21 year old college student, and you are everything I want to be in about 5 or 6 years. You are a great person, and a wonderful mom to a beautiful little boy. I've been praying for Isaac since his surgery, and I will continue praying. You are not alone in this. You and Isaac have obviously touched the hearts of many, and we're all praying. Everything takes time. The days are long, but the weeks go by fast. All in good time Isaac will be Isaac again. We cant give up and have to continue to pray.
Philippians 4:6-7
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Keep strong Jocelyn. Thank you for everyting. You're such an inspiration, and I will continue to pray.
I almost did not leave a comment because you have so many and I remember well the feeling of trying to get through them all. But, I also remember how sweet it was to see that so-and-so wrote me to let me know that they are praying for me.
Jocelyn, I am praying for you and Isaac. The only thing that is getting me through this dark valley that I am treading through is the Word of God. The Psalms could be very soothing for your soul but it also reminds us that in the darkest moments we are cared for and watched over.
As I always say on my blog....I don't understand but I trust. Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge HIM and HE will direct your paths. You do not have the ability to reach Isaac at his deepest need. Only the Lord can do this for you. Trust that He will lead you and give you the wisdom to help Isaac through this dark valley.
You are precious Jocelyn...having these doubts and frustrations are so a part of the journey of life. Having a blog where you can allow others to see that part of your life is such a blessing. We, who are so far away, know how to pray for you. And, believe me, while I am sleepless in my bed at night I will be lifting you both to the Father.
God bless...
Heather Davis
www.lazydranch8.blogspot.com
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