When they opened Isaac's back to do the spinal fusion, they found a lot more damage than any MRI, CT, or X-Ray ever showed them. Isaac's surgery was far more than a spinal fusion and the strain on his spinal cord is what has caused our present situation.
Everyday when I arrive at the hospital to see Isaac and spend time with him, as I walk through the halls and ride the elevator, I'm overwhelmed with a feeling of gratitude that I will leave this place one day with my son and so many parents won't. And yet I find it very difficult to find any joy in our situation.
Yesterday Isaac walked about 10 feet with a walker and a knee brace on his left leg for the first time. I wasn't there to see it but heard about it later. I should have felt this insane happiness, but I didn't feel much of anything. I guess part of me doesn't want to be let down if things don't continue at this rate.
Isaac has been acting out in some serious anger lately. Part of me thinks this is good because at least he feels something. Which is better than him being depressed and not feeling anything. But I can tell you there's nothing like a truly ticked off 8 year old. Isaac's as stubborn as I am and has the patience to wait it out with the best of them.
The reality of this situation right now is that it sucks. Sorry to be so blunt, but I can't think of a better word. Life has truly been turned upside down and I haven't quite figured out how to turn it right side up...
6 comments:
It will come Jocelyn...
Just hang in there you are one tuff cookie...
I'm suprised you haven't lost it yet with all you are going through!
Of course this sucks... it's long and hard, frustrating, painful, sad, just plain stinky. You are both feeling such normal things. I think the key is to continue to surrender- the same way you did when you brought Isaac into your life- knowing it was God's plan. You could have avoided this pain but you would have missed the biggest and best thing God has ever given you- Isaac. I think you are doing so great. Hugs for you. Angel
Just wanted to let you know that this stranger over in Australia is wishing Isaac and you all the very best. I have Isaac in my thoughts and pray for a speedy and full recovery - may this kid be laughing and dancing again very soon. Hugs to you momma, keep your chin up.
Jennette
I'm sorry things are so hard right now. Sometimes "sucks" really is the best word for the situation.
Praying for you.
Hey Jocelyn -
I found your blog through Angel's Dance for Isaac post. You have been on an amazing journey. I know this part of it is very painful. I am praying for you guys. I know how bad it SUCKS to only be able to sit by and watch your loved one in pain (my husband not my child so I know that it must be much harder for you.) It SUCKS and you don't have to be sorry for saying that. And also one of your earlier posts talked about how you couldn't feel the prayers and God right then - I can't help but say that I was relieved to hear that from someone else because I have felt that way recently too.
On the upside the most recent post was so encouraging, Isaac is recovering. At some point in time you guys will be back on a fairly normal routine - whatever normal is, right?
Again - I am praying for you guys. And wanted to say I LOVED reading your story - haven't made it through all the 2008 posts but pretty much your 2007 adoption journey. WOW!!
~ Anne
You shouldn't have to apologize for being honest - this situation sucks!
And Isaac might be feeling a little bored and cooped-up having been in the same room for so many days in a row. He's used to being more active and busy. Cabin fever makes me very irritable so that's just my opinion.
I bet he'll be back to Isaac the day after you leave the hospital.
Good luck, girl!
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