I have to believe that in the end Love does matter, Love exists and that in the end Love will prevail. My mom and I were talking this morning on the phone and I realized something funny about adoption.
When you adopt a child you are given every legal right of a biological parent except ONE! You can't give up an adopted child for adoption. In every other way they are your child as if you gave birth to them yourself, but once an adoption is complete, you can't give them up the way a biological parent can unless it's a disrupted adoption, which is rare, but does happen.
As a side note, please know that I would NEVER consider giving Isaac up, you would be better to ask me to stop breathing or kill myself because I would do both of those before I would ever give my son to anyone!
But last night we had one of those nights when you just want to kill your child. When they embarrass you so bad, make you so mad, and don't just push you to the edge, but actually kick you over it, laughing and pointing as you fall into the abyss!
I won't go into the details, but lets just say it was a really bad night of no sleep and a lot of tears. This morning I find myself feeling a little more broken than I did yesterday, a little closer to giving up, and a little more alone than before. I'm confused by so many things. I feel like every aspect of my life is hidden behind this curtain of fog and I can't quite push through it.
My mom and I decided to give up eating meat until Isaac walks or goes home from the hospital. Now you should know that I come from a meat and potato family, so not eating meat is like not breathing... last night was so bad that it took everything in me not to go down to the 24 hour McDonald's and eat a Big Mac... I brought a whole new meaning to the statement "I'm Done!"
My life is so confusing right now. I know that "this too shall pass" but if one more person says this to me I'm going to scream. I can't tell you how much I wish to God I had someone to go through this with. At least then I would be able to go home at night and cry on someone's shoulder as opposed to my empty pillow.
But like they say Love will get me through this right???
24 comments:
I dont know what to say Jocelyn but you'll get through! Rest assured you will! Gods brought you this far, he certainly won't abandon you now:) Praying for you all the way up in canada!
lvoe Amy
Aahhh, the roller coaster emotions that make up adoptive motherhood. I couldn't imagine going through something like you are alone. I actually just got off the phone with my hubby complaining about my day with my son. ;o) It's hard. It's a roller coaster. One minute, you are waay on the high, this is great everyone should adopt. The next, you are pulling your hair out thinking, "Surely God got this wrong." He didn't. ;o) You will find your footing soon. I promise. Your first year has been filled with too many challenges. When the dust settles from this, you will find a rythm again. Until then, you are prayed for and loved and held up!
Pam
Fellow traveler on this ride called Adoptive Motherhood!
Jocelyn,
I have been reading your blog for a very long time now, but today's post pushed me out of lurkdom into commenting. (((HUGS))). Yes, I know what you are talking about. I have been and am blogging about this very thing right now. Trying to get real on the dark side. The things that no one can tell you before these kiddos come home. How it's possible to feel such love and such anger all in one. What it feels like to be on the other side of the bathroom door, praying and crying out to God. Hon, you are SO NOT alone. Please know that we are out here and we are praying. You have chosen to do something immense that God asked of you. I am amazed at your courage and love and I want you to know that you are never, ever truly alone. God is here. And so are all of us.
And if you ever need an ear, feel free to email me (it's on my blog). I mean that. ((HUGS))
dawn
I am praying for you as you go through this extremely difficult time. God will get you through. He is in control of all things and He has placed you in this time and place for His glory. God Bless you :-)
Hi Jocelyn - this is Kristi, I've been reading your blog for some time now - since before you brought Isaac home and never left a comment until today. I adopted a baby girl from Kazakhstan and got home in April. I'm not going to blow flowers up your butt because I know you've heard it all before. I'm writing to thank you for your honesty - so many people only like to blog about how *wonderful* it is to have their perfect little children home and I imagine most of them have felt like you feel now at least once. I know I have. So thank you for your honesty, it's very refreshing. I'll say a special prayer for you tonight and for all adoptive parents who have felt this way, whether they'll admit it or not! Feel free to check my blog sometime www.whereskris.blogspot.com
Love from,
Kristi and Mieke in Mexico
Jocelyn,
Been reading your blog. Sometimes no words can give you comfort. I just want you to know that I prayed for you guys just now and will continue.
~ Anne
Jocelyn,
I have no wonderful advice to give you, aside from saying I'm praying for you. My four children are praying for "that little boy Isaac (who is actually older than all of them) who is sick like Fetya (my daughter)". I'm praying SO hard for you, because staring at what you are going through, watching it all and knowing that you don't have a relief from the emotional strain and stress--oh dear, you come to my mind often and I *always* pray that God gives you strength to just press on.
I'm amazed at your courage in adopting Isaac. God gave you this little boy for a reason, and He's certainly going to get you through it (though it probably won't be easy). I had to chant that for at least a year after adopting our first daughter. I sound horrid--but want to say that I appreciate your candid posts. I would adore a brief email from you explaining how long you waited before this surgery, and why the docs decided to go in when they did. We are staring surgery down the throat and I'm terrified!
with love,
apryl
homewith3es@sbcglobal.net
who says you can't give an adopted child up for adoption?? it's called disruption, and we are going through it now
No, actually, it's not just love - it's the power and leading of God Almighty that gets us through everything. You know that!
Mom
I'm praying for you. I have a special needs Liberian daughter. And last summer I was definitely questioning God on why she was in our home. Her needs were so much. My husband kept reminding me to cling to the confirmation we received from God to adopt her when we accepted her referral. To forget the feelings and rely on the Lord for his power, strength, widsom, love, and the list goes on. Thanks for sharing your true feelings.
Philippians 4:13 is a good, short reminder to chant over and over.
Erin
Hi Jocelyn. We met at the airport in Monrovia, after your delay in Brussels last August. I'm another adoptive parent (from Canada), and approached you and told you that I had been following your blog. Well, I'm still following it... Jocelyn, parenting kids who were adopted when older is tough in itself, but Issac's medical issues compound this hugely. The oldest of the four I adopted last August, has significant challenges with behaviour, as well as being mentally disabled. A few months ago, it was decided that he was eligible for 14 days respite/month for him, but even with this, I'm not sure that it will be enough for our family to make it. And now respite is in place, I can't even envision returning to the extreme stress of parenting him without respite support. What I'm saying is that it's understandable that you would feel like you do, because you have a huge amount on your plate, especially to handle parenting and I's medical issues on your own. Hang in there~ and I'm praying that you meet that special man in your life soon, as you have been waiting for him for a long time now.
Dear disrupted anonymous,
I'm sorry to hear that your adoption is disrupted... but I have two questions for you...
1. Is your international (I'm assuming this is the type of adoption you did, since that is what I was talking about) adoption finalized in the US? If so then I'm sorry because the only reason you could give your child up for adoption would be an extreme case, and I'm so sorry for your lose...
2. When I say you can't give up your child I mean that you can't give up your child for the reason most American's give up their children. Saying they can't care for them, lack or money, don't want them anymore, ect.
So I'm sorry your adoption is disrupted, but at least sign your first name so I know who's making comments on my blog. I know more than one family that is disrupted right now, and it would be nice to know which one is commenting!
Jocelyn
Since I am older myself, and from what I have read about adoption it looks like I would only be able to adopt an older child. I have to say that I thought about the problems an older child could bring, and frankly it scared the crap out of me. I had not heard about disruption till I read about it here. I looked it up, and found out its not that uncommon. So sad. What kind of adults will those children become. Very very sad.
Renate
Praying for you and Isaac!! Love, Denise
We haven't even gotten one of our adoptive kids home yet and I am already worried. The experiences I have had with my 3 bio kids have shown me exactly how challenging parenting can be and how inadequate I am. I swear, there are days when I understand completely why some species eat their young! Then there are the moments when they just melt your heart. Hang on to the precious moments, try and blow off the awful ones, and know we are all amazed by what you are doing.
And sometimes, you just have to know they are being total piss ants and go sneak that burger!
Dearest Jocelyn,
Our son Joshua loved Isaac from the moment they met in Kindergarten class.
I picked Josh up at school during Isaac's first week and he pulled Isaac by the hand to my minivan and said, "Mom, this is my new friend, Isaac and he is REALLY COOL!"
Isaac's face lit up with that HUGE smile of his and he said, "Nice to meet you!" That smile lights up a room and is worth a million dollars. I know why you fell in love with him.
Isaac is one terrific, personable, tough guy. And, even in the darkest of moments for him and for you, please know that he can show you the darkest places because he knows that, no matter what, you will always be there and never run away.
Aah...the joys and incredible pain of motherhood...
As mothers, of course we want to pull our children out of the abyss. But sometimes, no matter how painful, the only thing we can do is sit there and be present, letting time work its magic, until a sliver of light begins to shine through. Then we grab that sliver and widen the space until we see the sun together.
And how beautiful that sun is!
While the road to recovery is challenging, the one thing we know is that when Isaac puts his mind to something, he is one determined force with whom to be reckoned!!
Josh can't wait to see his friend Isaac this weekend...and don't worry, our kids will remember him even as he is a bit delayed in joining them for the school year. They will welcome him and celebrate upon his return and visit and cheer him until he does return.
Much strength to you as we all pray for Isaac's speedy and complete recovery.
Love,
Heidi
I've been following your blog and wanted to say that I do, to some extent, understand your feelings. We adopted a toddler who is healthy but, boy, can she drive us CRAZY sometimes! Really, there isn't much training for parents about how to pace themselves with their adoptive children, you simply do not have that fell-in-love-before-they-knew-how-to-annoy-you thing going on. It will take awhile for you to get there - you will though. We are getting there ourselves, but she is so much younger than your son and we do not have the medical issues to deal with either. I have seriously considered looking into some sort of day care for her just so we could have some space, kind of like the respite care described above. You are only one person and you need to be you, too, and that's OK. Take people up on any and all offers to help and ask for help, too. You decided to adopt, but that does not mean that you can't ask for help (even though sometimes we feel that way). One thing that I did the other night was that I cuddled her in the middle of the night (she never wakes up but she did that night) and it was so nice and quiet and so different from our day to day life. That reminded me that I need to become more creative in how I can bond with her. Not that that's very helpful, but maybe there's something you can do that's out of the box that could aid in bonding? Anyway, I wanted to chime in and let you know I will be praying for you...
you don't know me,I'm a lurker that started reading when you were fundraising to get Isaac home, and right now I don't feel comfortable leaving my name as this is happening as we speak and I'm not interested in letting the whole world know at the moment. because I know we'll be judged...yes it was an international adoption, I'm not trying to come across as rude, so forgive me if I did, but it's very stressful and I just wanted others to know it doesn't have to kill you, if it's not working, it's not good for either party..the child or the family.
still continuing to pray for you and isaac
Jocelyn,
When my bio son was three, he could be alternately sweet and loving at home and we would think it was safe to go out in public with him and then he would really drive us up the wall and totally embarrass us in public. Boy, he tried us! We were those parents whose kids just go wild at the store or in any public place! I had nightmares wondering how the teenage years were going to be like! This was despite the fact that we are very consistent with discipline. Everyone said that the phase would pass, but when our son was draining every last reserve of patience we had, it was hard to believe. He is now four years old, and I have almost forgotten that period. Yes, the phase did pass, and he is now just the sweetest, most obedient and loving little man I know. All that to say, my family is praying that God would hasten that time when Isaac does not have to try to test you by trying to push the boundaries. Hang in there--I promise this shall pass.
Our older children have just been home for 2 weeks and there have been several times I've had the terrible thoughts that "I just can't do this" or "Put them on a plane and send them back". It's so stressful and disheartening to have these feelings, but I had them when our bio boys were born too and up all night crying or misbehaving. I'm really struggling with anger (my own) that I didn't think I would be dealing with.
I know you have also had BEAUTIFUL and wonderful moments with your son and that your heart has been overwhelmed with love and joy. I think these moments we are both having are TOTALLY normal.
Knowing it will get easier does not change the fact that it is not easy right now... I totally get that. ;)
In the trenches with you dear friend. May God comfort you in big ways!!!
Much love,
Angela
No cliches...
We wish we lived closer so we could help. Life does suck sometimes and it is ok to say so. And it is ok to say my kid is a brat today. Go away. Because in the end, your heart is right and real and we know and you know that you love him to pieces. Hang in there.
*And as far as the person who is disrupting and not putting their name-
Dont blame them and totally understand. There is too much judgment going on for her/him to say who they are.That is not to say you would do that but she/he needs to be cause. Who ever you are- my prayers go out to you. I am sure it wasnt an easy decision to come to.
Aha, Jocelyn, Welcome to motherhood and the joyful roller coaster. I know you've been right where you are right now before ... there is no way for you not to have been there to some degree because kids have a mind of their own. Praise the Lord, because sometimes it seems like my mind is fried!
I haven't read your whole blog. Apryl incl. a link on her blog and I've read some of it, to try to get an idea what their family will be going through. You are a brave gal and a truly loving mom. It's ok to want to smack your kid, or to have the feeling of, "I totally want to be away from you!" But I am proud of you for sticking it out.
I know there are situations where disruption occur in both domestic and international adoptions. It's hard to understand, but there are reasons. We have a daughter who was adopted by an aunt and then given up for adoption to us (complete strangers). It's a wide world with lots of difficult situations. While our dd has been with us for a few months shy of two years and she's nearly 9, I can tell you I still have days wehre I can hardly stand to be around her. That's probably not what you're talking about, but maybe you are, who knows. Whatever the case we keep on keeping on.
Thank You so much for adopting and loving this hurt little boy! As bad off as his curvature, etc. apparantly became, imagine how much worse it would have been for him still in Ethiopia! Thank You!
Will keep praying in Michigan that God will give you strength and peace that passes all understanding! Blessings to you and your precious Isaac.
By the way, fasting is a great way to get hold of God. Sometimes it helps us to open up our ears better to hear Him. Giving up mean ... fasting ... what an awesome sacrifice for your baby boy, who's not such a baby! Vicki
Issac is going through so much right now. The adoption adjustment is huge but so are the medical issues. I witnessed someone very close to me go through multiple surgeries and multiple hospital stays over a period of two years. Their anger was huge and their personality was very difficult. I'm sure you prepared Issac for the medical ordeal but maybe he didn't fully grasp what he had to go through. Who can, really, until you go through it?
I wonder if Issac figured he was adopted to America (the land of plenty) and was getting his back fixed. Such high hopes and expectations. Then came the reality of the pain, the setbacks, the complications...very big hurdles for even adults. It would take a very mature person not to lash out at the ones he loved and even then it happens.
Enough analyzing the situation but I hope that your mountain peaks and 'Grand Canyon' s will smooth out soon to just be the ordinary hills and valleys of life. That's where your faith will be such a huge help.
We're praying for you and Issac.
Carolyn L
Jocelyn: Having met Issac for the first time when you were home for your grand dad's funeral, I was immediately impressed by his energy and spirit. Watching play with his cousins was just such a joy to see. What you and he are going though isn't easy - lord knows you can attest to that - reading your blog converys all of the stress, worry and concern you have to deal with quite clearly. You come from very good stock ... Grandmom Rose, Uncle Frank, Aunt Marie, your mom and dad all are/were strong individuals in their own way ... you have within you a great capacity not only to love, but to persevere (hope spelling doesn't count here) and deal with all that life is currently thowing at you. I put my faith in that strenght of character and determination - it will get both of you though this and leave you stronger as a result. Hope to see you soon, the steak is on me!
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