This post has taken me many days to write. 7 to be exact. I have had a lot to think about lately. And a lot of "free" time to do it.
I have to say that 2008 has not exactly started off with any kind of bang! I have found myself for the first time in my life so happy in certain aspects and so challenged in others. I have found myself being challenged by those I love and respect, I find myself dealing with issues and challenges as a parent and they are magnified by being a single parent.
I find myself crying out to God on not just a daily basis, but on an hourly one. For the first time in a long time, I have NO idea what is planned for my future. I have no idea where I am in my life, and I find myself sitting in the dark.
I have had no luck in the job market. Thanks to the writers strike, there is no work for me right now, even though I'm not a writer! I have worked a total of 4 weeks since Isaac came home in September. This is the longest I have gone without work since I started working when I was 13 years old.
As you all know the good side of things is that Isaac back is well enough that we are able to postpone surgery to fix it to allow him to grow naturally before they remove 3-4 vertebrae. On a not so great note, Isaac is very behind in his education. The school knew this going in. They knew he had no formal education and that he was severely behind. But they insisted that he be put in 1st grade, with no foundation what so ever. I have asked that he be put in Kindergarten since he is really not advancing very well. They have denied this so we are back to doing most of the work at home which is hard for him since he is at school all day then has to come home and be at school again. So that has been a struggle. I hate to watch Isaac struggle especially with his education.
On another great note I have also begun dating a wonderful man, that is so patient and kind. He is understanding and so supportive. He and I have had a lot of opposition mostly from my friends and a few family members. Many don't think I should be dating this close to having brought Isaac home. My relationship with him wasn't planned. It came out of no where and under other circumstances I don't know if it would have ever worked out. But by the grace of God it is and there is no doubt in my mind that it is good. But there has been a rough adjustment period with Isaac, that we are in the middle of it.
I have realized that all the fun easy going months that I have experienced were nothing more than show. The reality of being a single mom to a child that has been abandoned by all who he ever loved is setting in. Most of what I was given by him at the beginning was given to me due to fear. Fear that he would be sent back, fear that I wouldn't want him, fear that he would be left once again. Now I find myself having to start at the very beginning. His fear is gone and has been replaced with the insecurities of a broken little boy that is starting to finally trust me enough to challenge me on EVERYTHING. Especially the man in my life.
I have been challenged by those around me to take a good look at my life. Some believe that recent decisions I have made, may be causing my problems finding work, others believe the blessing are just around the corner. I have been challenged by those around me that I know love me and are concerned about me to end my relationship, to focus solely on Isaac.
Someone I love dearly told me that I am wrestling with God. She is right. Like God fought with Jacob, I to am fighting him. I know that there is a lesson he wants me to learn. I know that once I learn that lesson the blessings will follow. I WANT to learn the lesson. But for some reason God hasn't taught it to me.
Or maybe this is the lesson.
To trust him completely. To be responsible with what he has given me in the form of my finances, my son, and my man. To trust him and know that he is sitting with me in the dark.
So I find myself with Hard Choices ahead of me. I find myself waiting on God crying out and learning that I have to trust him completely or else I am going to drown in this ocean.
27 comments:
Have you considered home schooling Isaac? Maybe just for the rest of this year to catch him up a bit? You can find a ton of resources in So. Cal. It doesn't have to be an expensive proposition at all. e-mail me if you'd like more info.
traceylynn1591 at msn dot com
Hi, Jocelyn.
I feel for you and the struggles you're going through. I'm sorry. I understand the trouble Isaac is going through. You in a unique situation, having to deal with this level of challenges within such a short time of becoming a mom. But you're STRONG, and I know you can pull through it.
I have also had to make difficult choices, in conflict with the advice of those I love and respect, and I know how hard it is. You are in the fire, but you will come out refined and oh, so strong! :)
And just as a side note, it seems to me that the earlier the better, as far as finding him a pa is concerned... The longer a child has, to get settled into the single-parent dynamic, the harder it is to adjust to changing that, usurping their special place as Mommy's #1 guy.
You're constantly in my thoughts. I can't wait to see what God has in store for you next.
The dark is a hard place to be, but one day you'll wake up and open your eyes, and there will be light, and you'll be able to see clearly once again. Lean on Him.
Love you,
Amy
J, I have followed your blog for a while. I actually desire to be in a position that I could be patient to adopt from Haiti or overseas. I don't forsee that happening anytime soon. I commend you for your patience and your steadfastness. I will be praying for God to lead you to the right location to get a job. Who knows other than him. He may want you to pull Isaac out of school and homeschool him. This could be something that you focus on from now until next year. When schools starts up for the 08-09 year you could enroll him in the grade he is ready for be it 1st or 2nd. The schools are not worried about what they are doing to him. They just want to slide kids in and out. This time without work, although it may be hard could be the time God intends for you to focus on homeschooling Isaac. I would suggest that maybe you look into that. Don't worry about what others think of you having a relationship. You are not neglecting Isaac because of this. Again no one knows what God has for you. This could be for you to be a stay at home mom and not need to work. God has and is going to continue to provide for you and Isaac. My prayers are going up for you.
Do you have an IEP for Isaac? That might be a good place to start. It will lay out the accomodations and what the school will do for your son. See if you can find an advocacy group in your area. They will help you write the letter to get the IEP and will often come to the meeting at the school with you to help get all of the resources you need. I agree that it is too much to expect him to catch up at home after being in school all day!
i wondered about homeschooling also, mostly because I think I got your blog address from a homeschool list.
But, I also think it might be good for him on an emotional level too.
You are an amazing person. I will keep you and Isaac in my prayers!
Don't end your relationship just because of opposition from others. The biggest risk is that Issac will become attached and if things don't work out, he will have issues to deal with. But....Many single mothers go through this and you can't protect Issac from everything and maybe someday this will be his Dad!
Keep praying, keep perservering.
Hi Jocelyn,
I've been following your blog since Isaac came home. It has been an amzing and wonderful journey - and I have truly enkoyed reading it.
Our daughters both came home at slightly older ages than most people's chidlren - but not as old as Isaac. And we dealt with a lot of grieving and acting out. Also a lot of bonding issues. I really like the information that I got from the Post Institute - one book was called Beyond Logic, Consequences and Control. Youa re right! So much happens out of the child's fear. It is really a tough thing to battle through - but this particular book helped me so much in understanding that fear. (It's also short and easy to read...)
I homeschool now - and that is also a challenge... but it also might be a way to ramp Isaac up faster - and also give you more time to bond on a totally different level. THERE IS SO MUCH OUT THERE ON THE INTERNET THAT IS FREE!!!
I am so sorry about the work issues that you have been having. We will certainly continue to pray for you in that area... we were so relieved that his back didn't need surgery now!
Parenting is hard - and you need to have the support. I'm glad you ahve someone in your life to give you that support!
We will continue to pray for you and your situation. Keep your chin up.
"If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.
But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord.
A double minded man is unstable in all his ways."
James 1:5-8
I just felt led to that verse for you. Believe in this promise that God himself will give you the wisdom you need. Seek Him through prayer and even fasting, crying out for revelation and wisdom on what to do. Don't follow the mere words of man, but only the true Words of God.
Love you,
Tina
I have nothing to offer you but my prayers. If you ever want to talk with someone more removed from your life but who cares very much for you and Isaac, please give me a call.
For what it's worth, I very strongly disagree with those who are telling you to let go of Jonathan.
Love your friend,
Missy
www.amblesideonline.com has free curricula.. based on library books etc. we also have had wonderful experience with www.picturemereading.com for my daughter who was adopted as an older child.
If you were considering homeschooling that is :-)
Though a lot of your problems are because you have Isaac, and are normal older-child adoption experiences, many of them would be happening if he wasn't home, and you'd be going through them alone. I am single and haven't been "on my own" for that long, but I already feel the loneliness of not having a spouse or a child to share my life with. I have dealt with my own very confusing times with the Lord, wondering why he was doing things, and why he wasn't doing others... I know you are learning a lot, I can tell from your post, and though you can't put your finger on it now, God is bringing you through this difficult time to teach you life long lessons. Stay close to Him. It won't be easy, these hard lessons never are, but God will bring you through this like he brought you through so much in your life. One of my favorite verses is Philippians 1:6
"For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus."
Sometimes that's all I have to hang on to-God's promise that he will complete the work he has started in my life. I hope it's an encouragement to you as well...
-Melodie
J,
thanks for sharing your heart and your struggles and joys. I can relate, as I'm sure many others can, to the sitting alone in the dark wondering where the Lord is. I would say that in my time walking with Jesus, it has always been in the "silence and the unknown" that the Lord has shaped me and molded me by His very hand. Of course it is so stinkin' hard at the time.. I do not know the difficulties of single parenting, except for the times my hubby is in Africa, but I know that in those times, God gives us grace. He is doing SO much in you and in Isaac. It's just hard because you can't see anything right now. I remember God always taking me to this verse..over and over again...BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. That was it. No answers to all my questions, no game plan, but to just TRUST HIM. And sure enough, I am always sweetly surprised by what the Lord had planned for me. Your a great mom Jocelyn!! I am excited to see where God will lead and what He will do in His timing.
Love ya
Katie
SO GLAD YOU SHARED YOUR HEART WITH ALL OF US....NOW WE KNOW WHAT SPECIFICLY TO PRAY FOR YOU ABOUT. I love watching your LIFE with your beautiful son. HUGS
although i understand you family's concern that you focus on issac, the other side is that you will no doubt be a much better parent if you are feeling happy and supported which your new relationship may give you. perhaps if you made seeing this guy one day a week, so as to focus mainly on issac for now (or see him when issac is in school or after he goes to sleep) so issac will know that only on wednesdays or whatever you will be gone but will be there at all other time, so to provide that security that he no doubt needs. on the schooling front, i don't think homeschooling will work for you cause you will no doubt get work soon and then be forced to place him right back. i would be on the teacher and the principal every day for their decision~insisting on extra tutoring, ESOL placement, reading and math group time in the K class, accomodations etc. they know they are supposed to provide the best environment for each child so just keep on them. be up there every day being a loud-mouthed, annoying parent. they will eventually fold just to get you off their backs.
keep on praying, though. as you know, if He leads you to it, He will bring you through it. you are obviously a very strong woman to have adopted issac as a single parent to begin with, so i am sure things will eventually work out. just hang in there.
Oh, Jocelyn, my heart is aching for you right now. I truly think that this is a prime example of God's refining fire, and you will be made stronger through it. I also know that doesn't really make you feel better (from personal experience). Continue to lean on Him and He will direct your path. I, too, disagree with those telling you to let Jonathan go. It appears to be a God-centered relationship, and Isaac will also benefit from a strong, Godly male-figure in his life as well. The enemy is trying to steal your joy, and thought I don't know you "in person," reading your blog makes me feel as though I do. I am flying out to LA today (for real!) and wish I could come give you a huge hug. In the meantime, please know that I am praying for you. Praying that these things will work out and God's direction will become clear, praying that God will open doors "big enough for an airplane to go through" to make your way discernable, and most of all praying for peace in the meantime.
You are a strong woman and God is doing great things through you. Don't forget that...
~Liesl
I definitely think home schooling might help but its hard. I'm so sorry you are having trouble finding work. Don't let any one tell you when and who you should date. You are Isaac's momma. You are doing a wonderful job and God has a plan. Be patient and I'll be praying.
PRaying with you...you know my heart on homeschooling, so if you decide to go that route...give me a buzz!! And yes, it is hard, but isn't everything in it's own way?
Praying, praying! Denise
Jacob wrestled with God for his blessing and you will get yours. In the end, God used that time to change Jacob completely. The wrestling is hard, it's painful and it's confusing. . but life changing if you allow it to be. I'm proud of you that you are doing the work necessary to get out of this season what God intends and not just trying to "get through it"! I can already sense that God is changing you. . .He is doing a work. He may not have told you already exactly what it's going to look like at the end, but you are letting him build and that's the important part. God may be quiet right now, but He's still busy in your life. The changing? that's Him!
Keep plugging away, keep trusting, keep wrestling. You are going to look back and be thankful for this time and what the GOD of the universe taught you.
Love you,
Bran
Hang in there buddy. You are doing awesome. We did have to do some homeschool time with Zoe. I will be glad to share what helped Zoe too. Just e-mail if you want to... angelweir@gmail.com
I really think you are doing so great. It's just a speed bump along the way. Did you read my recent blog post? http://thevoiceofadventure.blogspot.com/2008/01/learning-to-go-with-flow.html
Reminded me of what you might be feeling. Anyway, I am praying for you. I would love to chat anytime. I have done the older child who has been abandoned. If you need to chat I'm here.
Hugs, Angel
Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Praying for you!
Lindsey
Jocelyn, you don't know me. Still, I want to encourage you: don't forget in the dark what you've seen in the light.
I've been reading your blog, celebrating how God is moving in you and through you. It seems to me that from the beginning of this journey, the Holy Spirit's promptings in your heart looked to outsiders and felt to you just a little bit crazy. But He's come through for you every time, right?
We homeschool, for many different reasons, but mostly because I have come to see: God made me Cami's mommy on purpose, and my response to that privilege is to become her loudest advocate, her biggest cheerleader. She is SO different than any other child in our sphere of influence. But she is God's beautiful gift to me---and I am God's gift to her.
YOU are God's gift to Isaac. You are his mommy because God ordained it. You have the Mommy Power to love him and teach him everything he needs to know. Yes, you both are in a severe learning curve. But Jesus is a fabulous, patient, persevering teacher. Run to Him hourly---that's how we're supposed to live life anyway, right?
I found this verse a few months back, and it's resonated in my life in many different ways since then: Isaiah 45:2-3 This is what the Sovereign Lord Says: "I will go before you and level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name."
I'm praying for you daily. Please visit my blog: http://hislightbearer.blogspot.com/
Send me a message. Know that you aren't alone.
Jocelyn,
I'm praying for all three of you! And yes, you should come for a visit. Now!! ;0)
Love,
Jamie :0)
Jocelyn:
You are going through a difficult time - and sometimes I don't think any of us know the how's and why - but, I do know you will be okay.
I am also a single mom - My daughter Olivia was adopted from Haiti - 10 years ago - O was ten months old when she and I became one.
It takes a long time to find your rhythmn as a mom. It is difficult when you have all the life issues your Isaac has lived through - no little boy should to have lived with so much pain.. but, you are now his mommy and his life from this point forward will be joyful and glorious.
My daughter caught up physcially and emotionally and educationally right around kindergarten age.
Today she is thrieving in all areas of her life.
You know, the phrase "you need a village to raise a child" is true - I finally have a village and my life is easier as my support system has greatly expanded.
You take care of you - the job will come - with the strike and the general insanity of LA (I lived there and worked in Entertainment for 13 years)really wears one out.
I know you and your boy were meant to be together. Just like Olivia and Me -- things will fall into place - I promise you. julie
I'll be praying for you Jocelyn. I'm sure you're not in an easy place right now, but God knows what is in store for you. Praying for the peace and the light to shine forth sister!
Jocelyn,
We're here for you. God does let us struggle with certain decisions, and it is hard. Hang in there. I really don't understand the school. I think you need to push them into a different situation. Isaas is only going to start hating school if he's struggling bad.
Carey AoH mom to Peter (4)
Hey, lots of advice on here.
The wisdom of man is...the wisdom of man.
God likes to lead us, and He's kinder than any man.
He really likes you, I know it. He'll be clear at the right time. As for the rest of 'em...meh.
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