Thanks Mom

Adoption is painful. Anyone who tells you it's not is lying. Maybe if you adopt an infant it's not but even then I believe there are struggles you will experience that a family who has never adopted will never understand. Adoption is painful.

You have days that are good and days that are so bad you don't think you'll make it to midnight. I remember four years ago this time, I had just finished my home-study. I was so excited. I day-dreamed of a son who would complete me, make me a woman, adore, and love me. The moment we met he would run into my arms, look me in the eyes and say "I love you mama."

Then reality.

The little boy I adopted was so sad. He was about to lose everything he had ever known. Everyone he had ever loved.

He came to me with nothing but the nasty, stained shirt on his back. He was broken. Damaged. And I'm not even referring to his spine. That would come later.

We got along. We had days that were okay, and days when I would call my mom at midnight crying because he was still in his room banging on the walls, screaming at me. I had moments when I didn't know what to do. Then things got a little better. Home a year we had spinal surgery and it all went to hell again.

He had begun to put his life back together. In 19.5 hours of surgery it was stripped away again.

He woke up paralyzed from the waist down. Never to walk again.

This time there was no screaming or crying. There were almost no tantrums. There was silence.

Painful silence. He was done fighting. He had given up. Or so I thought.

Two years home, this strong, silent, strength came over my son.

He still had his moments but they were few and far between. He was more focused on getting his legs back. Getting his life back, than he was at being mad at me for taking him from everything he ever knew, making him have surgery, and stripping him of his mobility. He was determined.

Three years home, the dream of mine, that my son would look me in eyes and say "I love you mama" was still just that, a dream. I knew he loved me. I knew I would stop a speeding train for him. I knew his adoption was right, but it was still a dream.

Then something happened. Change. Change can happen so slowly and quietly that you don't even notice it. You don't notice until one day you hand your son a drink, he looks you in the eyes and says, "thanks mom."

The change knocks the wind out of you. For the first time in 3.5 years. For the first time, through all the tears, all the pain, all the love, he calls you mom. Then two days later, you're kissing him goodnight, the same way you have every night for the last 3.5 years, he looks you in the eyes and for the first time ever he say, "I love you mom."

Adoption is painful. But it's also beautiful. It's a challenge that should you decided to take on, will break you down, and build you back up, one small moment at a time. One day that child will look you in the eyes and whisper those 4 amazing, life changing words, that will change your life forever.